Friday, May 13, 2016

Humor: Lessons learned from horror movies

Follow these lessons and you can add a few extra years to your life . . .

Horror movies, while scary, suspenseful and thrilling, are also chock-full of important life lessons that should be always observed. No matter how immune you think you are, you cannot escape zombies, demons, psycho killers, vampires and other like creatures. Don't even try, it's impossible. 
Image credit: jarmoluk via Pixabay

Instead, in order to save your hide, pay careful attention to the following warning signs and heed this advice:

Stay out of the tomb. Entering a mummy's tomb is a no-no, and taking a mummy's artifacts ranks up there with jaywalking in front of a bus because there are always serious consequences. If you touch a mummy's stuff, trust me, they don't like this and, subsequently, will hunt you down. They won't relent either. Listen to what your mummy always taught you — hands off the tomb stuff.

Watch out for burial areas. When walking through a cemetery, always operate on the buddy system, as you are sure to fall into a grave or come face-to-face with a maggot-wearing corpse. This way, if this does happen, your friend can help you back out.

Keep out of mausoleums. Never a good idea to accept a dare to spend the night in a mausoleum. If you do though, you are guaranteed a night full of excitement running away from dead people who have bolted the doors and have locked you in; there are custom guest rooms, err plots, designed just for you. At least with two of you, one can try and call 911, but don't hold your breath anyone will show up.

Deserted parks. Never go to a desolate park or campground because zombies are waiting in the wings. They're hungry, its dinnertime and you are on the menu! They would love nothing more than to light a campfire and toast s'mores with your brains substituting for marshmallows.

Watch out for the razor guy. Don't shake hands with the guy who wears razors as fingers. He is definitely not at all nice like that Edward Scissorhands fellow.

Demon cars are road hazards. When a demon car is chasing you, don't run down the six lane highway, as the car is guaranteed to have faster speed than you do. Ditch into the woods instead, at least then you only have to worry about an ax yielding psychopath, but it will be harder for the demon car to follow you.

Avoid the pea soup on the menu. Pea soup is not an attractive mural on the wall. If you decide to host an exorcism, serve something like chicken noodle. It smells better and is maybe a little easier to clean up afterward.

Listen to the music. Protect yourself by listening to the eerie music playing so you can determine who is after you and how close they are. For instance, don't go swimming if you hear a bass violin. Those "watch out for shark" signs aren't there for decoration.

Hockey masks are not in fashion. Beware of the resident psycho wearing a hockey mask who hangs out down by the lake and in the woods. He is definitely not getting ready for a party to celebrate this years Stanley Cup winner. He's going to get you if the demon car doesn't get you first.

Practice safe sex. Don't ever, under any circumstances, try and have sex. This is when the immortal killers will find you and run that machete through you and your significant other. Butchered body parts are probably not what you had in mind for safe sex and birth control.

Never, ever, fall asleep. You will either die in your dreams or be replaced by alien pod creatures. You're better off brewing a large pot of coffee and reading up on the art of practicing celibacy.

Follow these lessons and chances you may add a few extra years to your life. Of course, unless you find yourself dozing off and see the aforementioned razor guy in your dreams, in that case you're pretty much done for . . .