Humor: Spicy food stories

A test of bravery or sheer craziness?

What is it about some men (people really, but in my particular experience it was all males) and the need to prove they can eat the hottest of foods without blinking an eye? The following is a scene witnessed a few times in my life, but nothing will ever match that first time it occurred.

Image credit: Pixabay

Several years back we used to frequently gather at a friends' home. One night a group of approximately six of us were sitting around the kitchen table having a few drinks and laughs. Suddenly, my friend's husband comes over with some recently picked jalapeno and habanero peppers from his impressive garden. A few of us looked on curiously at what was about to unfold but, being a bit unsure, we continued our discussion.

As we're giggling over the stories and jokes being told, out of the corner of my eye I see my friend's hubby and another guy each pop one of the hot peppers into their mouths. It turns out these two men were having a private little contest to see who could eat the pepper without being the first to flinch. 

After a few moments, the rest of the table caught on to what was going on and conversation came to a standstill as we watched in awe as their two faces turned pink, then transformed into a deep red; eventually, they finally took on a slight purplish tint. Finally, one of them gasped and grabbed a beer to drown out the heat, then begged for a glass of water; the other guy also finally called "uncle" and he too took on a beer chaser.

The expressions on their faces as this was occurring was so darned funny! They acted so brave, while inside it was clear they were in agony. The rest of us, while awed and full of disbelief, couldn't help but burst out laughing at their quandary. We didn't feel too badly though because the two of them brought it on themselves.

The next thing I know, they're at it again, but this time another guy decided to join the fun. The rules changed; they decided the first one to take a drink loses. The third friend takes a bite and tries really hard to disguise the fire so obviously burning in his mouth, but he's failing miserably. Yet, he forges ahead and takes the next bite despite his pain. 

Tears are streaming down his cheeks and once again he takes yet another chomp of the pepper. The first two look at each other with a knowing nod, then join back in; their tactic was different, they opt to eat the full pepper at once. Suddenly, we're sitting there watching three grown men gasping for breath, turning red, and crying their eyes out; subsequently we watched their jaws clench in pain as each desperately strove to "win."

As stubborn as they all were, the third guy finally gives in and chugs down a full glass of water, which he can barely drink. The tears are coming hard and fast by now. The second two finally relent and each chug down another drink.

To this day, while not really understanding the why of this "contest", admittedly, it was rather funny, but I couldn't help but question if it was pure bravery or sheer stupidity. Later on, out of bizarre curiosity, I took a piece of pepper and just dabbed my tongue on it, and boy was it hot! To this day I'll never understand how they were able to sit there chewing on these extremely hot peppers, trying to act nonchalant.

That evening was the start of a routine ritual -- at least for a time. Each time, as more peppers came into maturity, the guys would sit around that same kitchen table, each trying to outdo the other. What was even more amazing is eventually the gardener's little girl joined these contests.

Then again, she was eating raw onions as a toddler -  definitely her father's daughter.

Humor: Dealing with squirrels

Dealing with Squirrels: Why they are not as cute as they pretend to be

Squirrels are such cute, wide-eyed little furry critters. What's not to like about them? They are fascinating as they leap from tree to tree, gracefully racing across utility wires and gleefully prancing across lawns. As you watch them, you might even think to yourself what a wondrous treat it is to be able to view these sociable creatures frolicking around. 

Yeah, right. The fuzzy heartwarming scenario ends right there. Dealing with squirrels isn't always as "cute" as it seems.

Sure squirrels may be cute, even amusing, but in reality those creatures are nothing but audacious and condescending furry little critters. Their secret beneath their adorable guise is that they are evil at heart. They cleverly cloak themselves in an aura of beauty under the pretense of being too cute to resist. At first glance their persona illuminates one of delight, but in reality they are really mischievous little critters who are conscientiously plotting to launch their attack. Don't let the cuteness fool you!

Have you ever really paid close attention to a squirrel's antics? Not just watch them, but truly observe just what it is they do. If not, you should really try it sometime. Upon closer examination of their activities you'll probably notice a few things that escaped your eye before. If you really scrutinize their behaviors, you'll see under that manifestation of beauty is a true streak of wickedness.

As their true motive shines through, you'll see how they defiantly eat your tulips as they try to bloom. You also may as well forget the idea of getting the chance to experience the beautiful explosion of color you had been anticipating all winter because you won't even get a glimpse. Those tulip buds will be eaten by the little stinkers before your flowers even show off a hint of color.

These furry little rodents with bushy tails will also spend the days away digging in your flowerpots and stealing whatever botanical marvels you toiled away planting. Chances are you'll also never get the chance to see these blossoms either because those bulbs will never experience the warmth of the sun. No, instead they'll be dug up before they can even reach the surface of the soil.

Not only do the little rodents attack your lovely flowers and lawns, watch how their beady little eyes light up when they come across a vegetable garden. Imagine spending your weekends diligently planting your vegetables, lovingly covering each seedling with anticipation of eating the fruits of your labors later on in the season. 

Unfortunately, come Monday afternoon you'll probably discover your vegetable garden has been ravaged by the bushy tailed rats. As a parting gift, they'll likely have left you some lovely little holes in the spots your seeds were implanted to give birth. Your poor seeds never even had a chance to see the light of day.

You can also forget that luscious green lawn you've dreamed about all winter because the squirrels will use your turf to dig numerous trenches. Their intent is to use your lawn as a sanctuary to hide their stolen treasures which were pilfered from the gardens toiled by others.

Chances are if you kindly try and shoo them away you'll find they simply look back at you, stand upright and stare you down with the haughtiest smirk you've ever seen! Squirrels are very defiant that way.

You can try to place chicken wire, plant herbs and other vegetation to try and deter them, but forget it. It'll all be for naught. The little critters will maneuver their way around and then look you squarely in the eye with the "neener, neener" look as they boldly make their next move. Some squirrels are even brash enough to drop an acorn on your head or throw one straight at you. Oh yes, those squirrels are plotting little creatures, not only are they clever, they possess a streak of meanness too.

The next time those fuzzy rodents enthrall you with their cute little antics, remember to keep these attributes in mind. In reality squirrels are just suckering you in so they can unleash their true wicked intentions when you're not looking and least expect their attack! Oh heck, some of them are are so bold they'll do it even when you are watching.

But gosh darn it, as evil as they are, they sure are fun to watch. I can't tell you how many times I've fallen under their spell.

(The fellow in the photo pretty much destroyed the bird feeder, but he was funny to watch!)

Humor: Lessons learned from horror movies

Follow these lessons and you can add a few extra years to your life . . .

Horror movies, while scary, suspenseful and thrilling, are also chock-full of important life lessons that should be always observed. No matter how immune you think you are, you cannot escape zombies, demons, psycho killers, vampires and other like creatures. Don't even try, it's impossible. 

 

Image credit: jarmoluk via Pixabay

Instead, in order to save your hide, pay careful attention to the following warning signs and heed this advice:

Stay out of the tomb. Entering a mummy's tomb is a no-no, and taking a mummy's artifacts ranks up there with jaywalking in front of a bus because there are always serious consequences. If you touch a mummy's stuff, trust me, they don't like this and, subsequently, will hunt you down. They won't relent either. Listen to what your mummy always taught you — hands off the tomb stuff.

Watch out for burial areas. When walking through a cemetery, always operate on the buddy system, as you are sure to fall into a grave or come face-to-face with a maggot-wearing corpse. This way, if this does happen, your friend can help you back out.

Keep out of mausoleums. Never a good idea to accept a dare to spend the night in a mausoleum. If you do though, you are guaranteed a night full of excitement running away from dead people who have bolted the doors and have locked you in; there are custom guest rooms, err plots, designed just for you. At least with two of you, one can try and call 911, but don't hold your breath anyone will show up.

Deserted parks. Never go to a desolate park or campground because zombies are waiting in the wings. They're hungry, its dinnertime and you are on the menu! They would love nothing more than to light a campfire and toast s'mores with your brains substituting for marshmallows.

Watch out for the razor guy. Don't shake hands with the guy who wears razors as fingers. He is definitely not at all nice like that Edward Scissorhands fellow.

Demon cars are road hazards. When a demon car is chasing you, don't run down the six lane highway, as the car is guaranteed to have faster speed than you do. Ditch into the woods instead, at least then you only have to worry about an ax yielding psychopath, but it will be harder for the demon car to follow you.

Avoid the pea soup on the menu. Pea soup is not an attractive mural on the wall. If you decide to host an exorcism, serve something like chicken noodle. It smells better and is maybe a little easier to clean up afterward.

Listen to the music. Protect yourself by listening to the eerie music playing so you can determine who is after you and how close they are. For instance, don't go swimming if you hear a bass violin. Those "watch out for shark" signs aren't there for decoration.

Hockey masks are not in fashion. Beware of the resident psycho wearing a hockey mask who hangs out down by the lake and in the woods. He is definitely not getting ready for a party to celebrate this years Stanley Cup winner. He's going to get you if the demon car doesn't get you first.

Practice safe sex. Don't ever, under any circumstances, try and have sex. This is when the immortal killers will find you and run that machete through you and your significant other. Butchered body parts are probably not what you had in mind for safe sex and birth control.

Never, ever, fall asleep. You will either die in your dreams or be replaced by alien pod creatures. You're better off brewing a large pot of coffee and reading up on the art of practicing celibacy.

Follow these lessons and chances you may add a few extra years to your life. Of course, unless you find yourself dozing off and see the aforementioned razor guy in your dreams, in that case you're pretty much done for . . .

Humor: Missing socks

At some time it has probably happened to all of us. We'll be diligently sorting through our clean laundry only to find a couple of assorted socks are missing their partners. As we fold, we stand over the laundry puzzled in confusion knowing that the pair had gone into the wash together, but somehow got lost along their journey into the dryer.

The missing socks syndrome is an amazing phenomenon. Wash load after load socks go missing until we suddenly find there are dozens of socks missing their mates.

 

Have you seen my missing sock mate?

Some socks disappear permanently. 

But where do they go? Does the "wash monster" eat them for dinner? Did the socks run away? Maybe they are giving us payback because they don't like the way our feet smell? Perhaps it could simply be that our elusive socks are trying to send us a strong message they are unhappy with their current jobs and living arrangements and are demanding change?

Other socks return after a period of disappearance and come back acting as if nothing has happened. Hmmph. Did they simply become bored with their mundane lives and decide to play a game of peek-a-boo for a while to mix it up and make things a little more interesting? What nerve. Especially after we spend so much time worrying about them.

Maybe pairs of socks are like human couples; one storms off after a spat, only to suddenly emerge later to make up and be happily together again. It's also interesting to note those odd matched socks cling together in a pile, but refuse to interact with one another. Perhaps they are secretly wondering where their significant others have gone off to, or maybe it is the fact that many are hesitant to pair themselves with someone new and remain faithful to their missing soul-mate.

I can't help but wonder if those poor socks left behind are fret with anxiety over their missing mates, or if they are in on the game too and carefully guarding the secret of their partner's sneaky whereabouts?

If the abandoned socks are anything like my husband's, they stay alone in a drawer in wistful hope their sock partner returns. This drawer is a place where all the abandoned socks gather together and commiserate over their lost mates.

He also strongly feels that just because one sock is missing, they should never be discarded. His philosophy is that eventually a partner will show up or even if a sock isn't a perfect match, he hopes they'll eventually marry someone with different characteristics. He'll never abandon these socks and purchase new ones. Truly, it is sock loyalty at it's best.

Many socks do reappear over the course of time. Perhaps it is as simple as our missing socks simply love to play an old fashioned game of hide-and-go-seek to break up the routine.

Whatever the reason, we're typically disappointed when socks disappear forever, but happy for those times missing socks do actually return.

Where they go in the meantime though will likely always remain a mystery.