Follow these lessons and you can add a few extra years to
your life . . .
Horror movies, while scary, suspenseful and thrilling, are
also chock-full of important life lessons that should be always observed. No
matter how immune you think you are, you cannot escape zombies, demons, psycho
killers, vampires and other like creatures. Don't even try, it's
impossible.
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| Image credit: jarmoluk via Pixabay |
Instead, in order to save your hide, pay careful attention
to the following warning signs and heed this advice:
Stay out of the tomb. Entering a mummy's tomb
is a no-no, and taking a mummy's artifacts ranks up there with jaywalking in
front of a bus because there are always serious consequences. If you touch a
mummy's stuff, trust me, they don't like this and, subsequently, will hunt you
down. They won't relent either. Listen to what your mummy always taught
you — hands off the tomb stuff.
Watch out for burial areas. When walking
through a cemetery, always operate on the buddy system, as you are sure to fall
into a grave or come face-to-face with a maggot-wearing corpse. This way,
if this does happen, your friend can help you back out.
Keep out of mausoleums. Never a good idea to
accept a dare to spend the night in a mausoleum. If you do though, you are
guaranteed a night full of excitement running away from dead people who have
bolted the doors and have locked you in; there are custom guest rooms, err
plots, designed just for you. At least with two of you, one can try and call
911, but don't hold your breath anyone will show up.
Deserted parks. Never go to a desolate park or
campground because zombies are waiting in the wings. They're hungry, its
dinnertime and you are on the menu! They would love nothing more than to light
a campfire and toast s'mores with your brains substituting for marshmallows.
Watch out for the razor guy. Don't shake hands
with the guy who wears razors as fingers. He is definitely not at all nice like
that Edward Scissorhands fellow.
Demon cars are road hazards. When a demon car
is chasing you, don't run down the six lane highway, as the car is guaranteed
to have faster speed than you do. Ditch into the woods instead, at least then
you only have to worry about an ax yielding psychopath, but it will be harder
for the demon car to follow you.
Avoid the pea soup on the menu. Pea soup is
not an attractive mural on the wall. If you decide to host an exorcism, serve
something like chicken noodle. It smells better and is maybe a little easier to clean up
afterward.
Listen to the music. Protect yourself by
listening to the eerie music playing so you can determine who is after you and
how close they are. For instance, don't go swimming if you hear a bass violin.
Those "watch out for shark" signs aren't there for decoration.
Hockey masks are not in fashion. Beware of the
resident psycho wearing a hockey mask who hangs out down by the lake and in the
woods. He is definitely not getting ready for a party to celebrate this years
Stanley Cup winner. He's going to get you if the demon car doesn't get you
first.
Practice safe sex. Don't ever, under any
circumstances, try and have sex. This is when the immortal killers will find
you and run that machete through you and your significant other. Butchered body
parts are probably not what you had in mind for safe sex and birth control.
Never, ever, fall asleep. You will either die
in your dreams or be replaced by alien pod creatures. You're better off brewing
a large pot of coffee and reading up on the art of practicing celibacy.
Follow these lessons and chances you may add a few extra
years to your life. Of course, unless you find yourself dozing off and see the
aforementioned razor guy in your dreams, in that case you're pretty much done
for . . .
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